


you're not alone

by Violeen



Category: SKAM (Italy)
Genre: Coming Out, Feelings, Fluff, Gay Panic, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Original Character(s), Panic Attacks, Sexuality Crisis, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:54:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,066
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24357640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Violeen/pseuds/Violeen
Summary: Elia has moved in with Filippo a few months ago, only to find out that his meaningless crush on his now roommate is turning out way bigger than he thought it was. And in such troubled times, Martino and Niccolò are there for him.
Relationships: Elia Santini/Filippo Sava, Niccolò Fares/Martino Rametta
Comments: 8
Kudos: 50





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again ! I found myself writing this all of a sudden, and I'm planning on writing more Elippo content !  
> Thank you for reading this, and sorry for mistakes and/or typos ! This is unbeta'd !  
> Come talk to me on tumblr : evak-elu-nicotino !

Elia is struggling with accepting his sexuality and his huge-ass crush on Filippo, which kinda blew out of proportions since they moved in together a few months earlier. He never thought he’d say this, especially considering that he’s kinda always been into girls before meeting Fili, but damn, this guy is easy on the eyes. Doesn’t make living together any easier. The mornings when he bumps into his roommate in the kitchen, wandering around half-naked, yawning, face soft and sleepy, are kind of the best ones.  
As much as Elia doesn’t want to read too much into it, he knows, deep down, what this really means.  
He’s been wondering, for a few weeks already, if Martino ever felt this way, nervous and shaking, almost every minute of every day, with the sheer intensity of it.  
He’s wondering if Martino will laugh at him, mock him, telling him I told you so. And then he thinks about it, and there’s no way Marti will react this way. He knows the guy : his friend can be a little annoying shit at times, but deep down he has a heart of gold. And when it comes to this particular subject, Elia is absolutely sure that Martino will never make fun of him, precisely because two years ago, he went through the exact same thing.  
So, yeah, Elia needs to chill. 

He ends up one morning, early, going to Martino and Niccolò’s place, nervous as hell, not really understanding why, because if he knows of two people who won’t judge him, it’s most definitely them. He’s still nervous as fuck, though, because he actually never liked a girl this much before, and it stresses him out.  
Fili has become such an important person in his life these last few months. Since Elia’s relationships with his own family are kind of messed up, being able to rely on Filippo, sharing stuff with him, personal things, chatting together whenever Elia gets home after a visit to his parents and sister, on the verge of tears, broken inside; is everything to him. Who would want to mess that up ? Certainly not him.  
His mind is reeling by the time he reaches Nico and Marti’s apartment building, and he stares at the large door for a minute of two, intensely, as if it held the answer to all of his questions.

He knocks forcefully, looking down, hands shaking, restless; until he sees Niccolò smiling up at him and motioning him in, almost as if he knew Elia needed reassurance and comfort. 

They don’t pressure Elia into talking, and it’s only after having lunch with them that he finds it in himself to ask if Fili has ever had a long-term boyfriend, voice barely audible. He doesn’t notice Martino and Niccolò exchanging glances, before Marti clears his throat, and tells him no, not that he knows of. 

Elia is nervous again, and he takes a deep breath, palms sweating. Niccolò puts a hand on his shoulder, and smiles like the topic is of no importance whatsoever. “Hey Elia, breathe. Everything’s alright. You know we’ll never judge you, and you’ve definitely come to the right place. We’ve been through this kind of questioning before, both Marti and I. There’s nothing wrong with who you are, and you need to take the time to figure out what is that that you want. And we can help you navigate all these confusing feelings, you know we will. Anytime.”

Marti has the softest look on his face. His eyes are full of affection, and he almost wants to reach out and take Elia’s hand into his, telling him that everything’s gonna be okay in the end. He just sees so much of himself in his lost friend sitting across from them, a few years back, wondering what the hell was happening to him, wondering if Niccolò liked him the same way he did. He most definitely remembers the sheer panic coursing through him like fire. He remembers, and he’s so infinitely glad that Elia came to them, because going through this alone is pure hell. 

He also thinks it’s funny how tables turned. Fili was the one who was there for him, to help him try to understand his confusion and feelings swirling inside his head. And now, a few years later, Elia’s sitting in front of them, visibly nervous, asking questions about Fili, to himself, Martino Rametta. Oh, the irony, Marti almost laughs. Now is not the time, though. Elia needs them to be reassuring, comforting, a bubble against his rapidly changing world.

“Hey, you’ll get through this, don’t worry. I did, Nico did, you will too. Like Nico said, we’ll be there every step of the way. You’re not alone.”

Elia almost wants to cry when he hears Martino’s words. He squeezes his eyes shut, and Marti and Nico share a look. It’s obvious that Elia’s in pain.

“Tell us what you need, Elia”, Marti whispers, voice soft. “Anything. What do you need ?”  
“I don’t even know”, his voice is cracking, and he takes an sharp inhale, wishing the tears not to fall. “This is too much, I don’t even remember the last time I felt this way, about anyone, and I feel so stupid for agreeing to move in with him. How was I supposed to keep my crush at bay by seeing him every day ? How stupid am I ?”  
Elia’s full-on panicking now, and Marti gets up, unable to prevent himself from enveloping Elia into a huge hug. He almost wants to snort, and tell him that male friends don’t hug each other, because that’s just gay, but he lets go of his inner fears for a moment, and sinks into Marti’s hug, closing his eyes again.  
“Your feelings are valid, never forget that, and you’re not stupid. A crush doesn’t always necessarily turn into a full-blown infatuation, you know. You couldn’t have known. Maybe a part of you hoped that Fili would be an awful roommate”, Marti ends up saying, feeling Elia’s tears soaking his shirt. He couldn’t care less at that moment, his friend needs someone to lean on, like dr. Spera told him back then.  
Elia snorts this time. “Yeah, no, I could have guessed. And you know what, Fili kinda is a terrible roomate. He never takes out the trash, barely does the dishes, the fridge is always empty, but that doesn’t change anything. I still…”  
He bites the tip of his tongue, words dancing in his throat. He almost wants to say love, but that’s way too soon.  
He looks up to see Marti’s eyes on him, waiting for the rest of his sentence to come out. His face is, yet again, full of softness, so gentle that Elia feels himself tearing up again.  
“…kind of love him ?” he whispers into Marti’s shirt, eyes burning with the unleashed tears he’s trying to keep at bay. He is kind of hoping that Nico and Marti didn’t hear him, and he closes his eyelids, his only protection against the world.

Marti and Nico exchange glances yet again. Marti’s eyes are full of surprise with Elia’s whispered confession, gentle, and compassionate. Nico’s gaze is so soft, and his soul is kind of aching for Elia. His boyfriend is still holding his friend close, and Niccolò’s heart is bursting at the seams upon the sight before him. 

“You know”, Nico pipes up, and Elia gazes up at him, “you should just take it one step at a time. I mean, Fili doesn’t have to know anything if you’re not ready to disclose your feelings, and we won’t say a thing. You just need to figure out how you feel and what you’re comfortable with”, he smiles at Marti when he sees his boyfriend’s expression, open and loving, by the time he finishes that sentence.  
Elia lets go of Marti to dry the tears on his face, and Martino ends up kissing his boyfriend soundly, lovingly.  
“I love you”, he whispers into the crook of his neck, and Nico smiles, like he always does whenever his boyfriend is being openly affectionate.  
“You know I love you more”, he responds, voice muffled in Marti’s hair, and he shakes his head.  
“Now, that’s just impossible”, Martino answers, eyes full of light. God, he didn’t even know it was possible to love someone this much.

Elia clears his throat, and they break apart, slightly blushing, caught red-handed.  
“You’re so disgustingly in love, it could be annoying, but honestly you’re so cute together”, he chuckles, a tiny bit of envy tainting his words.  
Martino picks up on hit, and squeezes his arm.  
“Hey”, he says, softly, “it happened for us, don’t lose hope Elia, never.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OK, so I decided to add another chapter to this. Maybe it'll be longer than that, I don't know yet !  
> TW : description of panic attacks.  
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter !

It all started so slow, so quiet.  
Elia got out of class after a full morning at uni, minding his own business, going to seminars, taking notes, packing his stuff away, going to lunch with a friend he made a couple weeks ago. Pietro Boldoni is the one guy in his class he immediately connected with, no questions asked.  
They had lunch together on their first day, without even asking each other. They ended up talking a lot after their last class, and things just naturally happened. Without even realizing it, Elia and Pietro just arrived in front of the closest pizzeria near uni, took a seat together, ordered and that was that.  
It made them laugh afterwards, how simple and uncomplicated it has been. As the conversation unfolded, Elia learnt that Pietro had a long-time girlfriend, but that he considered himself bisexual.  
Elia stored that information away, all the while thinking about his current roommate situation. He just nodded, smiled, and they changed topics quite soon after that.  
Pietro never actually asked him if he had someone in his life, and for some reason, Elia was actually grateful that he didn’t. The honest answer to that question was actually more complicated than it seemed, and even if he didn’t have a relationship with Filippo, somehow his bond with him had gotten increasingly intricate over the past few weeks. Hence, Elia going to see Martino and Niccolò on a regular basis, just because he knows their place is the one spot where he can unwind about what’s going on in his head.  
Anyway, Pietro, sitting across from him during lunch, clears his throat at some point during their meal, eyes curious and cautious at the same time.  
Elia shouldn’t be this nervous, but he has a feeling, a feeling he can’t exactly place, but he feels uneasy already.  
“What ? Do I have something on my face or what ?”  
He tries to drown the anxiety he feels rising inside of him, with a joke. Classic Elia indeed. Humor as a defense mechanism has always worked pretty well so far.  
Pietro looks slightly uneasy himself, and he’s fidgeting a lot, which is unusual.  
“I just heard this thing around campus, it’s probably just a silly rumor, nothing to worry about”, he says, and Elia archs an eyebrow.  
Okay…This type of sentence never makes him feel at ease, and he’s wondering what’s been said around uni to make Pietro this queasy.  
“Come on, spit”, Elia says, hiding his fear beneath a cocky smile. Just get this over with, please, he silently begs, even though he’s not really sure he’s scared of.  
“You know, there’s this girl, I don’t even know her name, apparently she saw you on the first day of classes, on campus.”  
“Yeah, okay…” He doesn’t really sees where this conversation is going, honestly, but the fact that Pietro is taking his sweet time doesn’t really comfort him. It’s like he’s scared of telling him whatever this rumor is about, and it’s slowly getting on his nerves. Elia’s not usually an anxious person, but these days his mood seems to be keen on playing tricks on him. He ends up being angrier than usual, snappier than usual. He doesn’t really recognize himself, to be honest, and maybe that’s the scariest thing ever. Who is he, right now ? He doesn’t have a clue.  
Elia Santini, twenty years old, figuring his shit out.  
He tries to concentrate on the fact that Pietro doesn’t know anything about his inner battles, and paces himself. He doesn’t need to be agressive, just patient. In the end, he’ll tell him the whole truth. Maybe not just now. He doesn’t even know what he could be saying. His brain is all over the place, and he definitely can’t think straight, no pun intended..  
Pietro speaks up again, and Elia focuses on breathing normally. Why is he getting so worked up over this ?  
“She saw you outside the LGBTQA+ alliance on campus, looking in and trying to get some information. And apparently, she can’t keep anything to herself, so…She ended up telling people, apparently she was curious. She wondered if you were gay or something.”  
Oh my fucking God, Elia thinks, eyelids shutting against his own will. What is up with people sneaking around in other people’s business ? Over nothing ?  
“So she didn’t even consider the fact that one of my best friends is gay, in a happy relationship, and the fact that I’m an ally ?” Elia snorts, rolling his eyes.  
Way to save the day, he thinks to himself, Pietro in front of him smiling like his answer is the one he was hoping for. His reaction irritates Elia to a whole new level.  
“Why do you care anyway ? You told me yourself that you’re bisexual, you wouldn’t care if I was hypothetically attracted to men as well, right ?”  
He didn’t mean to snap at him, but Pietro’s expression morphs into one of confusion.  
“What the fuck Elia, no of course I don’t care, love is love, and you should be able to live your truth fully”, he shrugs, and Elia relaxes in his chair. He’s just so terrified these days. He needs Martino to hold his hand every fuckin’ step of the way, and he’s just so tired of hiding that part of himself.  
But when you grew up in an quite openly homophobic family, coming out of the closet, even if it’s the bisexual closet, is nothing short of incredibly hard.  
Across from him, Pietro looks at him, face soft, and Elia hates this. He hates everything he might have to cope with sooner or later, he hates that some girl he never even met in his life spreads rumor on his sexuality.  
He can’t be here right now. He can’t be anywhere where people might judge him. He just wants to crawl into bed, lock the door, disappear under the blanket, cry his heart out, and pass out from the worry and fatigue he just can’t get past.  
He gets up, and Pietro looks up at him, puzzled. “Where are you going ? The food hasn’t arrived yet, are you okay ?” he asks, worry painted all over his face.  
Elia shrugs.  
“I don’t feel that well, maybe it’s the toast I ate for breakfast…I’ve been feeling queasy all morning.”  
He doesn’t lie, but the queasiness doesn’t date back to this morning, he’s actually been feeling out of sorts for several days now. Every time his gaze falls on Fili’s legs, Fili’s cheeks, or the curve of his…Yeah, no, now is not the time.  
Elia feels sicker, and he just runs out of the restaurant, not caring that Pietro actually calls after him, voice cracking.  
He runs, runs like a madman, he runs until he can’t anymore, panting, and crashing against the nearest fence. He tries to catch his breath, and finally feels his eyes tearing up. He tells himself that he’s tired from his race, that his body reacts in weird ways.  
When tears finally fall on his cheeks, Elia takes a deep breath and closes his eyes against the wetness in his eyes, and tries to calm down.  
He recalls running into Filippo this morning, just wearing boxers, and he remembers cursing internally. His roommate didn’t even notice him staring, quite blatantly, and he inhales deeply, sharply.  
He can’t be attracted to Filo, there’s no way. He’s been staring at girls his whole life, how did this happen to him ? And most importantly, why ?  
He tries to control his breathing, until he feels like he’s suffocating, and he gasps for air, panic filling his mind as he opens his eyes, his side hurting. He curls into a ball on the pavement, and closes his eyes again.  
He fumbles for his phone in his pocket, fiddles with it, thumb hovering about the call button, and presses the device against his ear, breathing coming out shallow and short.  
The second he hears Martino’s voice, he lets out a sob of relief.  
“Elia, what’s going on ? Are you alright ?”  
He shakes his head, lips twitching, before realizing that Martino can’t see him.  
“Marti, please, I need help…”  
He barely recognizes his own voice, drowning in unshed tears, and he closes his eyes again.  
Martino’s voice is full of concern. “Where are you ? I’m in my car, tell me where you are, I’ll be here in a second. Breathe, Elia, inhale, exhale. Just do it with me, okay ?”  
Without even having to explain, Martino clearly picked up on Elia’s state of mind.  
He gives him his location, and hangs up, curling even further into himself, not caring about people passing by. He doesn’t give a shit about people right now. Except for Martino, who’s bound to arrive soon.  
Knowing his friend, he’s probably driving a hundred miles an hour right now, just because Elia is his friend, and Martino always put Niccolò and his friends above anyone else.  
He tries to inhale and exhale just like Martino told him to, but the truth is, he’d rather be over all this shit, and soon. Figuring his sexuality out hurts like hell, and crushing on a guy when he heard all his life that faggots don’t deserve to live and they should rot in hell, doesn’t exactly help.  
Even months after moving out, Elia still hears his father’s disgusted voice whenever homosexuality was brought up in conversations.  
He can’t be thinking about it right now, not when Martino’s about to pick him up, but his mind is swirling with words from his father, and soon enough his chest feels impossibly constricted. He can’t breathe, again, and he tries to force some air into his lungs, but to no avail.  
Tears fall onto his cheeks again, and before he knows it, he’s sobbing like a baby.  
God, what a mess, he thinks, seconds before he hears tires screeching, and he knows, without even having to open his eyes, that Martino has found him.  
He hears and feels his friend open the car door, hears the Roman drivers passing by, shouting insults in Italian, probably because Marti parked like shit, but he couldn’t care less right now.  
He can’t open his eyes, he can’t see Martino’s expression, his pity and concern painted all over his face. So he keeps his eyelids shut, and feels his friend kneeling by his side, taking him gently in his arms. Elia can feel his worry, it’s surrounding Marti like an aura.  
Martino doesn’t say anything, but Elia can feel him thinking for a split second, before he takes Elia into his arms, bridal style, and carries him to the car. Elia feels the fabric of the seats of the car, and he hears Marti fetching his backpack, which fell to his side during his panic attack.  
He seats upright, closes the door to the car, and tries to breathe normally again.  
By his side, Marti slides into his car seat, turns on the engine, and starts driving.  
Elia looks at him for a second, and he almost cries in relief when he sees Marti’s face, soft, gentle, full of concern, but mostly love for his friend.  
“Hey, you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to. Don’t worry, I get where you’re coming from,” Marti says, eyes on the road, as he’s sliding into Rome’s afternoon busy traffic.  
“I’m sorry I messed up with whatever you had to do today”, Elia settles on something basic, plain and simple. His friend’s smile is full of reassurance. “Don’t worry, I had nothing spectacular to do, and Nico’s not home until tonight, so I had an afternoon full of nothingness looming. So, everything’s fine”.  
Elia thinks Martino’s so underrated. His quietness, his loyalty, and these quirky replies mean the world to him right now. He needs normalcy, he needs a casual conversation with his friend. He needs Martino, right now. Martino, who will never judge him, and who’s been such a rock through these troubled times.  
They park outside the apartment building, and Elia carefully gets out of the car, Marti checking in with him every two seconds, before Elia lets out a laugh. “Don’t worry Marti, I won’t fall”, he says, feeling a bit better already. His friend already took his backpack, and they take the elevator.  
Once inside Marti and Nico’s flat, Elia crashes on the couch, feeling exhausted all of a sudden. Marti has disappeared inside the kitchen, and Elia finally feels like he can breathe again. How come Martino and Niccolò became such a breath of fresh air ever since his inner struggles took the best of him ?  
His friend comes back with a hint of a smile on his lips, a huge glass of water, and a tray full of food. Elia almost snorts and makes fun of him for being such an Italian mom, but bites back his quirky comeback. Martino just saved his ass, he needs to be a little more grateful than this. He sits down, setting the tray down on the table before them, and sips his coffee.  
Elia gulps down the glass of water, and finally looks at Martino, who hasn’t said anything since they got out of the car. He’s not pushing, he’s not overwhelmingly worried, at least, not shoving his worry into Elia’s face, and he’s never been this grateful to anyone. He needs to recover from this huge panic attack before being able to talk about it. And Martino clearly understands that.  
“I think I was about twelve when I had my first full-blown panic attack”, Marti starts, staring into nothing, talking quietly almost as if Elia wasn’t in the room with him. Almost talking to himself, in that soothing voice Elia didn’t know before, but he appreciates it even more now. He needs to be soothed, especially right now…  
“My parents just got divorced, and I realized about that time, that I wasn’t really into girls”, Martino says, eyes closing, as he’s reminiscing. Elia nods.  
Relatable, he thinks, considering I just had a panic attack because I like a guy for the first time in my life, on a pavement in a Roman street full of people.  
“And I had no one to talk to”, Marti adds, opening his eyes, putting down his cup of coffee, and leaning in towards Elia, who smiles, just a bit. “So, Elia, every time this happens, and I mean it, every single time, I need you not to stay alone and mope around in the dark. You know you can count on us, and it’s so important to reach out. Both Nico and I have agreed to help you every step of the way. This is too intense to go through on your own, and you deserve to be surrounded by people who care about you”, Marti’s voice is determined, and his eyes are watery.  
Just as he finishes his last sentence, Elia envelops him in a huge hug, too emotional to try and form words.  
“Thank you for picking me up”, he says, hoping that Marti gets that he doesn’t just mean the car ride.  
“Elia, don’t be stupid, I wouldn’t have done anything else”, Martino rolls his eyes, and Elia laughs.  
“By the way, you’re staying with us tonight, I already texted Fili, and I’m making bolognese, so you have to stay. Plus, we actually managed to furnish the guest bedroom since the last time you came here, so you won’t have to sleep on the couch”, Marti smiles big, and Elia shakes his head, gratitude filling his chest warmly.  
Sometimes, you just need friends to lean on, he thinks, and follows Marti into the kitchen.


End file.
